12 Guys Walk Into a Fantasy Football Draft …

First off if you’ve never played in a league with a live draft, shame on you. I believe you can’t officially call yourself a true fantasy football player until you are involved in at least one live draft per year, and the more guys that return each year the better because that’s kind of what this list is based on. The cast of characters you can possibly encounter in any fantasy football draft anywhere in the country. Wether you play 14 team IDP in Tacoma or 10 team PPR in Tallahassee, one thing is for sure: live drafting brings out a different side of all of us. When you get into a league that has the same guys in it year after year, not only is it a ton of more fun, but relationships form. Some become friends, like Bryce Wayne and Dick Grayson. Some become enemies like Batman and the Joker. Doesn’t matter what your dynamic is with your league mates, all I know is having those same faces around make the mythology and legend of each of our leagues more special as the years go by. So if you play in a live draft league with the same people year in and year out, then you my friend have definitely ran into at least a few of the following:

*Listed alphabetically 

  • Bob Cost-Ass aka “The Commentator” — This guy always have a comment after almost every pick. Good or bad, doesn’t matter he will make himself known early in your draft. From the first pick, “I wouldn’t have gone with Bell, I would have taken Peterson” to the very end of the draft “Really? You think Dwayne Bowe is going to play well in Cleveland?” This guy pisses off everyone in the room and seems to not notice the icy glares and constant crumpled beer cans being thrown towards his direction. Look it’s ok to have something to say here and there and getting into your opponents heads is definitely part of the game but make it at the right times. The quite guy in the corner who makes a comment or two in the 4 hours you and your buddies are together is a lot funnier and probably a much better fantasy player than this jackass. So pick and choose your comments because if you become this guy you will feel the hate real fast. Get on TV as a color analysts then maybe, just maybe, will people actually give a flying you-know-what about what’s coming out of your pie hole.
  • Bottom Feeder Badass aka “The Shit Talker” — Unlike the aforementioned Bob Cost-Ass, this character won’t be as vocal or vile at the draft, but he is the guy in your league who falls behind way too early and can’t get his squad out of its tailspin and still insists on talking shit every week. And he’s not subtle with it. He doesn’t just flap his gums to his current opponent of the week, no no no, this guy will send mass text messages and emails just so everyone in the league knows he’s a “badass.” Dude your 1-7 and average less points than the new guy this year who has never played fantasy football in his life. Again talking smack to each other is part of the fun but know when to end it. If you’re out of playoff contention by week 6 then it’s time to keep your mouth shut and focus on your accounting job.
  • Happy Ending aka “The Guy Who Gives Up Way Too Early” — Not to be confused with “The Shit Talker” this gentleman is the guy who loses the first 2 weeks of the season and just has a fire sale on his team. He will get way too pissed off way too soon and just basically give up on the year. Although he won’t usually admit it, everyone around him knows what’s going on. Starting the season 0-2 or 1-2 isn’t the end of your year, you just have to work the waivers better and MAKE SMART TRADES! I still don’t condone trading this year but thats just personal opinion. Once he puts his entire team on the block, other than his 1st round pick, the rest of the league heads to their schedule to see when the play him because they know it’s an easy W. A lot of the time this guy will just disappear for the rest of the season leaving his same players in his active roster from week 3 not caring to replace bye week players or the 2 guys that have been placed on the IR. Feels good to play him, but if you lose by some dumb luck you start looking up “how to fashion a noose out of dish towels” on Google real quick.
  • Johnny Menthol aka “The Bathroom and/or Cigarettes Guy” — This cat seems to always be missing when he’s on the clock. He’s always outside smoking a cigarette or taking his 3rd deuce of the evening leaving the bathroom reeking of spicy buffalo wings, lite beer, and shame. I get it, if you have to go you have to go, and I know if you’re a smoker you crave that cig sometimes and that’s fine but your commish should have at least 1 break built into your draft. If he doesn’t petition to get one, and if he still doesn’t abide then have a cigarette at an appropriate time, like the second after you pick not when the dude 2 slots ahead of you is on the clock.

*Side note: If you do need to use the facilities or blacken your lungs make sure when you              come back into the draft you don’t draft a player that was taken on your break. The only thing that makes people angrier than you missing during you pick is when you come back and try to pick a player who was taken in round 3 and it’s now the 8th.

  • Kicker … I Hardly Know ‘Er aka “The First To Draft a Kicker/Defense” — This guy isn’t necessarily a bad dude or someone we hate, in fact if your like me you LOVE this guy for wasting a 7th round pick on Gostowski. After 10 years of playing this game I still can’t comprehend why someone selects the top-ranked kicker any time before the last round and gets a little smirk on his face. Ummm listen dawg you aren’t pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes, what? You think your kicker is going to just be nailing three or four 50 yard field goals a game? Come on bro, get your head out of your ass and go for depth … or don’t and keep wondering why you miss the playoffs every season.
  • Miller Lite-Weight aka “The Drunk Guy” — Am I the only one who can’t stand being around people who are hammered? You want to drink some beers at the draft have fun. You want to do some shots with a few guys, go crazy! But head this advice: KNOW YOUR LIMITS! I’m fine with my opponents not thinking clearly as they pick, hey only helps me in the long run, but we all have the guy in our draft who gets way too out of hand way too fast. If you drink so much that you can’t pronounce “LeSean McCoy” when you’re picking it’s time to think about one of those 12-step programs. If at any points in the few hours it takes to complete the draft you need to leave the room to vomit, you probably need some help. If it comes to your pick and your sleeping while sitting upright on a backless bar stool then why are you even at the draft! Have fun but don’t hinder everyone else’s good time on an account of you’re away from the kids for a night so it’s time to do Jager bombs.
  • Mocktail Staring Tom Lose aka “The Mock Drafter” — This guy can be two different scenarios:

A) You are doing mock drafts to get your practice on before you really go at it with your league mates and you get stuck mocking with the guy who decides it will be funny to take Tim Tebow and Brett Favre with his first 2 picks. I know it’s not a real draft but don’t ruin it for the ones of us who actually care and want the practice. Maybe you should go get a job and move out of your mom’s basement instead of thinking your just hilarious by being a douche bag. Stick to World of Warcraft and masturbating cause that’s all you will ever really have.

B) The other way this guy creeps into your life is the one league member who can’t stop talking about how great he has been doing in mock drafts. “I got Adrian Peterson in the 1st then Matt Forte in the 2nd and Antonio Brown in the 3rd in almost all my mock drafts!” Newsflash genius no one gets a team like that in ANY league, even a pathetic 8-man league won’t see a team like that so unless your league mates include Dustin Hoffman as “Rain Man” and Sloth from The Goonies just stop with your mock draft bragging. Draft a real team, win a championship, then talk shit. But not for too long or you will become the next guy on this list.

  • Dr. Emmitt Brown aka “Mr. Live in the Past” — Remember the guy who won your league in 2005? Well when this character shows up he won’t let you forget it! Usually he had one or two decent seasons with some luck on his side to win the title while the other 9 years in the league he’s gone 3-10 or 4-9 like clockwork. It’s ok to enjoy your championship and brag all you want … for one calendar year! That’s it, after 365 days (366 on leap years) of receiving your trophy it’s time to shut up. Want to keep talking about how good you are? Win again. This isn’t to say anything from the past in the league is off limits to talk about but just because you got luck one year in the last decade and a half doesn’t give you precedent to continue to live in the past. Get your ass a DeLorean and find some plutonium if you want to keep living when Sugar Ray was making #1 hits.
  • Preperation H aka “The Unprepared One” — This is annoying to all in the league but if you’re a commissioner you probably take this harder than anyone else. Why do you ask? Because this ass-cream of a human being (see how that tied in) walks in to the house asking you if you have an extra cheat sheet in some way or another. “Oh bro my printer stopped working this morning and I couldn’t print one,” or “Dude my wife needed the laptop and I don’t have a paper copy.” How about buy a magazine, or save info to a flash drive and print it at Staples, or call me crazy write things down with a pen and paper! Primitive I know but trust me that will work. If you want to play in a league, especially one with guys who take it seriously, then don’t show up empty handed. If you don’t have your own papers or draft sheet or laptop then don’t bother the rest of the league to hook you up. You deserve to be the one who takes Arian Foster with their 1st round pick. Oh and when you do, don’t get all pissy when the rest of your league laughs at you because frankly you deserve it.
  • Timex aka “The Guy Who Takes Too Long To Pick” — We all have a time limit on picks in live drafts, and if you don’t get one! Not only does a pick timer make the draft go smoother, faster, and add another element of being prepared, it just makes sense. A lot of leagues set a 90 second timer and if you don’t make your selection in the minute and a half allotted then you either get a kicker or the guy behind you can sneak his pick in before you. Either way I love it and if you’re the guy taking up the entire pick timer, GET YOUR SH*T TOGETHER! Nothing irks people like the guy who has known he has the top pick in the draft for 3 months and he runs down the timer to 1 second before picking the guy he’s wanted since Memorial Day. We give this guy a kicker in our league when time runs out and last season our boy had 3 kickers by drafts end … but man did he have depth at the position unlike anyone I’ve ever seen!
  • Uncle Money Bags aka “The Bigger Entry or Buy Spots Guy” — Each season, if you’re playing for money, one guy always tend to bring up the point of raising the ante. “Last year we played for $100 each, how about $150 this season?” How about keep your wad of five dollar bills with the two 20’s on the outside in your pocket and calm down. If you are so intent of the financial aspect of fantasy football their are plenty of big money leagues online. $500, $1000, hell I’ve seen leagues with $10,000 buy-ins before. So if you think you’re “The Donald” of your league, get a new hair piece and stop trying to make everyone else pay more into the league. A trophy is a lot more of bragging rights that cash, and 99% of the time the guy who wants to raise the stakes never seems to win the league anyway. This also goes for the guy who tries to buy a new draft slot. You know who I mean, he’s picking 8th but really wants a top 3 pick so he will harass those 3 league mates saying things like “I’ll pay you half the entry fee to swap spots with me,” or “come on man you had a top 3 pick last year, and it’s cash in your pocket!” How about draft a winning team from where you are picking. If you know what you’re doing you can build a playoff bound squad from any slot on the draft board. If someone if trying to buy you spot he’s scared … let him live in fear.
  • Waiver Wire Yo-Yo aka “The Add/Drop A-Hole” — Some leagues have ways of preventing this guy from even being a thought like blind-bidding systems, or pay as you pick up. Things like that will make a guy think twice before picking up and dropping 6 defenses so no one else in the league can use them that week. However if your league doesn’t have a policy like the ones mentioned then do everyone a favor and don’t be this guy. I understand we go to extremely lengths to win our leagues, including doing things sometimes we normally wouldn’t otherwise do, but this is the most vile way to try and win I can think of in fantasy football. If you are confident in your team you don’t do this. If you’re smart and strategic in working the waivers, you don’t do this. If you have a shred of decency in your body you don’t do this. If, however, you are this guy don’t be shocked when your doorbell rings and your weekly opponent is standing there in silence and then jams an ice pick into your esophagus. Honestly you had that coming.

For more fantasy football and fun follow me on twitter @thepprmonster

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